Sunday, 19 May 2013

Specially To You... Happy Birthday!

Verbal communication may not be my best form of expression, hence I am glad I'm blessed with the ability to write.

There are many a time when I openly discussed my displeasure in life, be it in social media platforms such as Facebook, twitter, etc, but I have never neglected the fact that God has given me everything that a simple, ordinary girl like me could ever ask for.

I count my blessings that I have a great family, a loving boyfriend and true friends who stood by me through thick and thin.
(And not to mention that I have lovely readers and sponsors who have greatly supported my blog throughout. Thank you all, to the lovely you who are reading this.)
Yes, I may not lead a glorious life nor blessed with the most beautiful face out there, but I can say that I led a fruitful life.

Let's start with my boyfriend:

When it comes to matters of the heart, I am definitely not the most expressive.
Well, I was one who never believed in love. I had read so many horror love stories - enough to make me feel insecure of taking any step into a relationship.
Despite the fact that I had many pursuers in the past, I didn't take any plunge into any.

The stubborn old me would deny love whenever it came knocking on my door...

Until HE came to knock on mine.

Our paths crossed in the most peculiar way. From simple official chats to random topics that didn't really make any sense - It struck us that we belong to the same weirdo category.

However, what touches me most is his sincerity in fulfilling his role as a boyfriend. He may not be perfect (nobody is perfect in this world!), but he definitely did try his best to be.
Truth to be told, I guess I must have been a girl who is difficult to please.
And he was always the one who would go the extra mile to do little things just to put that tiny smile on my face.
Blessed with the ability to cook, he would make food for me - and every bite I took sent a surge of warmth to my heart.

I still vividly remember our very first date, which he specially made the effort to whip up a little dish for me. 
We sat down on this bench under the night skies of West Coast Park while he held the bowl in his hand - with a silly grin plastered on his face as he watched me lap up the dish as though I had never eaten for days.

I still remember the day when I broke down at home after a huge argument with my mum over something silly, and there he was - riding his bicycle and traveling to my house just to give me a reassuring hug in the middle of the night despite my attempts to stop him.
(Apparently, he woke up late the next day for work. Haha.)

And there were random times when he would make me breakfast and bring me hot chocolate/milo.
I may not show it, but all these sweet little actions did make me feel blessed.
I love it whenever he wraps me in his hugs and telling me softly,
"I love you".
But never once did I exchange any I-love-yous- to him.

I believe my actions left him with countless doubts, and he would often question himself of my feelings towards him.
He once told me that he could do everything to make me feel secure of our relationship, but he couldn't say the same for himself.
That was the moment when I felt a sharp tinge of pain in my heart.
I wanted SO BADLY for him to stop that awful feeling, and to sense what my heart was actually feeling.
Unfortunately, humans are not mind-readers...

"NO!" I had wanted to much to scream. "I LOVE YOU, I DO!"

My heart was fighting so hard to let him know my inner emotions, but yet my body language and actions seemed to be restricted by an unknown barrier. I couldn't react the way my heart had wanted them to, and I didn't know why. I guess I just have a phobia of expressing myself.

I couldn't even bring myself to kiss him, and would often find myself pushing him involuntarily away despite the fact it was never my intention to hurt him- be it emotionally or physically. 

There are things that are inevitable - I came from a really conservative family and I wasn't exposed to being around with guys much, let alone getting intimate with one. 
Yes, it does take a hell long time to break a barrier that has always been there - and I am constantly trying hard. (but failed. LOL)

Unfortunately, I didn't let him know of my issues and this eventually led to many misunderstandings, which I know had hurt him repeatedly.
He thought I didn't love him the same way as he does.
I may not be the most fabulous mind-reader out there, but his expression often said it all.
He was disappointed by me, again and again. So much to the extent that I thought he would just lose his cool and leave me for good.
I was so afraid that I would never get the chance to let him be aware of my feelings. 
All these while that he thought I didn't care, I went through a hell ride of an emotional roller-coaster.
Deep down, I feel really miserable. There are many things I have wanted him to be aware of - but yet I couldn't.
(I remembered that I used to have this problem when I was really young, too. 
I would use hand signals to reply questions just because I didn't dare express myself the verbal way. Apparently, the problem still resides in me.)

That is why I have decided to do justice to my heart, and to give it a chance to speak:

Monk dear, I may not be the most verbally expressive when it comes to emotions.
I am not a sweet-talker, but everything you read here are my heartfelt feelings - and the words that my heart has been dying to say.
I would just like to let you know that I greatly appreciate anything and everything you have done for me, and having you in my life is one of the greatest blessings I've ever received.

I understand that there were many a time when my words had attacked you like sharp knives - Especially those times when I would poke into sensitive issues and joke about having other guys, etc. (Yes, I was just being very ignorant.)
I have never blamed you for being angry or jealous for that matter. If I were in your shoes, I would have probably reacted the same way as well.
It must have been tough on you to embark on this life journey with me - so much that it pains me when I am the cause of your unhappiness sometimes, but that is what makes me appreciate you more than ever.

Monk dear,
Thank you for your willingness to accept me for who I am.
Thank you for your constant love and care towards me, always.
Thank you for filling up that emptiness in my heart and being that sun that shines on me endlessly.
Thank you for showing me the definition of love through your words and actions.
Thank you for not... giving up on me despite my constant rude behavior.

 I may not be the most ideal girlfriend one can ever have, 
I may not be the most romantic,
I may not have the capability to make you the most fortunate guy in the world,
I may not have the ability to fulfill everything you desire...

but I just want you to know that,
You are the definition of everything I can possibly ask for.
I love you, too.

Happy 23rd Birthday, Wen Jun.

1 comment:

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