Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Let It Go... ...

Yes, this post shall serve as a closure to a chapter in my life.
Although I do not have the need to answer to anyone, but in order to prevent people from probing or asking much - YES, we broke up.

It may come as a shock to many as we were always seen as such a loving/sweet/romantic couple. We behaved like what an ideal couple would be; often being envied by others for our seemingly flawless relationship.
 It almost seemed impossible for any break-up to happen between us, but sometimes... ... Life is indeed unexpected. 

Probably our love isn't meant to be, I don't know.
I am a simple lady; someone who is willing to love her guy wholeheartedly (and a loyal one at that) if treated the right way.
I am not accusing him of not treating me right - no. Don't get me wrong. In fact, he treated me like a princess. 

He sent me home daily whenever he could, bought me meals, never forgetting to tell me "I love You" daily, hugged me, waited for me whenever I worked late hours just to ensure I am home safely, showered me with gifts despite his limited financial capability (although I have often told him not to), cooked for me, etc... The list goes on. The amount of things he have done for me is beyond comprehension; and I do appreciate every single thing he did.

However, every relationship has its dark side as well. I am not trying to ruin his reputation here or pinpointing who is in the right or wrong. 
The sad fact is, we were quarreling almost on a daily basis - it's emotionally straining and have definitely taken a toll on our health as well; and most of the time were due to EXTERNAL issues.

As much as I accepted everything of him; I guess... I couldn't say the same for him.

1) I am a social media enthusiast
Even before our paths crossed, I was already very active in social media. I'm a blogger. I use Facebook frequently. I post updates very often.
Personally, I feel that it is perfectly normal to have friends commenting on the things I posted. This is social media afterall. I am not one that would want my social media life to interfere reality as I draw the line very well.

Imagine how appalled I was when he started getting pissed and confronted me for my friends'  casual comments over a photograph of myself; telling me how he hated the kind of attention I was attracting. Even with a simple comment that I look good would be enough to make him blow his top.

 In all honesty, most of my Facebook updates were for my documentation purposes meant for blogging. I had no means to attract any kind of attention (I have never thought of myself to be THAT attractive, anyway). I thought it was unfair to me in a sense that I have absolute no control over certain Facebook comments that were posted by others. 
I am not even anyone popular; how much attention can I get other than from my limited amount of  real life friends?
He told me that he could not understand why I have idiots (they are my real life friends) on my Facebook and felt they should be removed.
I made an effort to explain in whichever way I could; but was returned with him insisting that I should EXPECT the attention.

I believe it was more of expecting a quarrel from him whenever I receive positive comments on Facebook. It has happened way too MANY times - He has always confronted me and expressing how pissed he was over casual remarks made by my male friends. He hated any males who interacted with me.

Ever since I was attached, I had been very cautious of my Facebook and stopped accepting random friend requests from strangers that I do not know personally in real life. He was often expressing to me about his insecurities, and I respected that.
I was really faithful to him - and cheating, flirting, or getting associated with any guy other than him has never crossed my mind. I was so determined to make him my first and last boyfriend. (Hey, I would be so proud of this fact!)
I was very helpless as it appeared that I was forced to make a choice between social media and my relationship with him eventually. Compromising seemed to be out of the question for him.

 Bottomline: Do I really have to feel like a criminal for doing normal things?

2) Walking on eggshells
I felt like I was walking on eggshells every single time due to his insecurity issues. He was often paranoid about how other guys would "tackle" me (when in fact I have told him numerous times that I would definitely reject if that happens). 
Logically speaking, I have no control if any guy interacts with me. BUT I have the control to stop the interaction. Well, probably I did not give him enough sense of security to trust me enough? I have always felt that there is no trust in our relationship at all. No matter how much I attempted to assure him, he w ould often get paranoid whenever it comes to friends of the opposite gender. 
There were many times when he wanted me to change my Facebook's display picture that features us as a couple. To him, this is an added security feature that would keep assholes away from tackling me. He was pissed that I did not change my relationship status on Facebook as well to include his name in it.
For me, I gave him all the trust I could. I don't need him to declare his love to me openly-  As long as he does not do anything that is against moral values; I am perfectly fine with it. Even if he were to tell me that his group of friends would include several females ; I wouldn't make a fuss about it as well.
 I have told him before that my love for him is very real - and definitely not determined by any social media elements.

3) Blogging = Offence?
Being a blogger, advertising or promoting our own blog is common. I did a simple badge for myself on the Carousell app - which he was not happy about it at all and questioned me why I "like to do these kind of things" and said that I was an attention seeker.
Does promoting my blog (which is what most bloggers would do as well) make me an attention seeker?
After we had our fatal quarrel, I decided to calm down by not replying his messages temporarily for the night (I had an early train ride to catch the following day as well).
Much to my horror, I found myself being bombarded with his messages the next morning, stating his disbelief at how I could ignore him and "disappear" just like that.
I believe it's seriously a misunderstanding that will never be resolved. 

A girl can tell the whole world how much she loves her guy; but ended up cheating behind his back.
I may not be constantly telling everyone how much I love him, but one thing for sure - I did give him my heart.

Probably our love happened at the wrong time.
I have to accept the fact that as much as he claimed to love me, he had wanted to take minimal control of my life. I feel restrained whenever he felt unhappy over issues that I thought was normal, but they weren't to him.
He has seen social media as a threat to him, and there was no way that he would think otherwise despite my countless  explanations.
(He told me that he doesn't need any explanation).
Seriously, there is no point anymore.
Even if we were to carry on, the quarrels will be endless as he would find faults in the things that I do..
A few of my friends know and have seen the messages he sent to me.
Even they could not believe his words as they didn't sound like things he would say. He was becoming someone scary, so much to the extent I do not really know him anymore.

Yes, he is a VERY nice guy. As a friend, he is always helpful, friendly.. Someone who is always willing to go the extra mile. Seriously, he is the perfect friend to have! I wouldn't mind remaining as friends with him, although I doubt he would feel the same way. 
He used to be an optimistic and cheerful guy, but this relationship has since changed him into a solemn and somewhat depressed person.
Even if I really love him, I have decided to let him go. 
There is no point in having him feel so miserable for almost everything I do, especially when I am so much of a social media person.
However, being a social media person doesn't mean I am often socially involved with people. (I don't even fancy clubbing, going to pubs, drinking or even smoking)
 In fact, I have never failed to include him in most of my activities, including blogging events, etc.
Even if I were to meet a friend of the opposite gender, I would make it a point to inform and invited him to come along.

Of course, there is always two sides to a story. He could tell everyone how much I am unappreciative of him (when in fact I am REALLY thankful for everything he has done for me and NOTHING can change this fact).
At least, I dare to admit my flaws. I have a fiery temper. I get depressed easily. But none of those has ever affect my love for him in any way.

I do not hope that people who do not understand JUDGE me. There are MANY things that you guys are NOT able to understand - not even if you are at a friend level- unless you have been through my situation personally.
There were MANY underlying issues that resulted in the stage we are today.
They are accumulative. 
Whatever it is, I have decided to close this chapter of my life and move on despite how difficult this journey will be.
I wish him all the best and eventually find the Mrs Right that he deserves.
Again, I would like to emphasize that I have no intention to make anyone think negatively of him by posting this.
A relationship takes two hands to clap, and I am not perfect either.
For sure I have a part to play in the failure of the relationship as well and I'm not denying the fact , but at least...

I tried.
He tried.
We tried.

Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we hoped for it to be.
It does hurt to let go, but holding on hurts us even more.

 Thank you for all the sweet memories while they lasted... I am sorry that I am unable to walk down the journey with you as I wished to , growing old together as we hoped, and traveling to America for our future honeymoon as planned. 
But I'll always hold the memories close to my heart.... :') 
All the best! 

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