Tuesday, 11 September 2012

A H2H blogpost

I have never really talked about my personal life on my blog, which kinda' defeats the purpose of having a blog in the first place.

I understand some of my friends have commented and thought how much I've changed throughout the years - whether or not they meant it in a good or bad way, I don't really know.

 I admit- My appearance and the way I carry myself has changed in a tremendous way. 
From an innocent young nerd who didn't give a damn about appearance to someone who is so vain and pile on makeup on my face (it's inevitable since I got into freelance photography modelling) - I can see why some people think I've changed.

But don't everyone grow up eventually?

Ask anyone close to me and they will tell you I am not who I portray in my photos.

Yes, so what if I was a freelance model?
It was only clothes and makeup that makes all the difference after all.

I don't pile on lots of makeup in my daily life, not even for work UNLESS I have something important to attend to.

In fact, I don't really care about my daily image. I want others to see me as who I really am.

I am still me. The ME from 10 years ago, the ME since the day I was born.

I lead a simple life - I go to work from Mondays to Fridays, eat, sleep and wait for weekends to arrive.
And weekends will be the day I sing karaoke at home, hang out with my besties or attend events, if any.

I am, afterall, a girl who is trying to make my life as exciting as it can be.

It was not until recently misunderstandings surfaced that my friendships with my besties are on the rocks.

I am not sure how many people out there actually think the same way - but I was seen as a bad influence on my friends, (and no, I do not blame my friends because they claimed they do not think that way)  which I had NEVER expected myself to be.

Is it the way I portray myself?

I am only being myself afterall. The girl who loves to bring laughter to her friends and cheer up their day, if it is within her abilities.

I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't club..

And most importantly...

I don't break the law.

But somehow I was misjudged based on the type of people I "mix" with.

I know I am a person who has always been on a high profile and not afraid to show who I really am despite the flaws I have - but I myself do know what is right and what's not.

Judging from the few photos of me with another person don't mean that I hang out with the person as often as you think.

I don't go out with just ANYONE from the streets, nor do I attend one-on-one dates with just any guy. (I am not desperate for a boyfriend, mind you. I am happily single.)

I have as much self-respect as any righteous people.

BUT when someone actually attempts to be my friend, I have no control over his/her behavior.

I only have the control to accept or decline his goodwill.

I admit I am a People-Pleaser, someone who wants everyone around them to be happy and are always on the obliging side.

I don't wish to hurt anyone's feelings, be it Side A or Side B. I just want everything to start and end in a nice manner - without anyone being hurt. 

I know it's impossible.

And that is the reason why I have always lived my life being the middle person, not knowing which direction to go to.

As much as how I may dislike a particular person, I can't bring myself to hurt him/her emotionally at once. 
This has always give me a disadvantage as it is a weak point of mine. 

That's just me.

I know I am being irresponsible by dropping everything and running away when everything fall on me - but I guess that is the only way I can be fair to everyone.

My presence has been bringing so much unhappiness these days that I thought I should just take a step back.
Sometimes I wonder if I deserve any friends at all. Why does it seem like I am the only one in this world getting involved in all kinds of unwanted shit and dragging my friends into it as well?

I shouldn't even have gotten them involved.
Now I really hate myself for being so open about my life.

I have never intended to cause any trouble to my besties. I really hope they understand, although it is difficult since they are not me.

I know my friends care for me and am worried about my current situation, but please be rest assured I'll be fine.

I'm sorry, I really am.

P/S: I know there are things that my friends regretted telling me as they have never expected me to become like this, BUT somehow I am glad as they were just telling me the truth. In fact, knowing the truth is better than hiding it. Sometimes it's good to know how others think of me. If someone has to be blamed, I would blame it on myself for being too much of a People-Pleaser that I ended up spilling the water in all directions.