I love you

My apologies for the lack of  updates lately on this blog. 

Something unexpected happened recently that sank my heart to pit bottom.

At the point of typing this entry, my beloved cousin is now struggling for her life in the hospital - and the thought of her suffering in pain was just devastating.

When it came to a point of that we were asked to see her for the last time - I was overwhelmed by a roller-coaster of emotions.

 I didn't know what to say, do or feel. 

Ever heard of a traffic jam? Well, in my case- it was a jam of emotions.

When I finally did reach the hospital, my heart simply sank. 

There she was - my once bubbly, optimistic and cheerful cousin... Now lying on the bed and struggling in pain while fighting for survival. She could no longer respond to us.

We all knew and had to accept the fact that she would leave us anytime.

 It could be the next minute, or even the next second.

And the thought of it was slowly killing me inside.

 It was a complete dilemma - She was suffering so much and praying for her to leave peacefully seemed like the wisest choice. On the contrary, NONE of us could bear the thought of her leaving us. We knew we would be losing her forever once she leaves.

But this is a human phase that everyone has to go through... ... right? 

It was just that we couldn't accept the fact at times. Reality is harsh - and can be cruel.

When we first knew of her illness, it was understood that this day would come - but little did we expect that it would be this soon. Nobody was prepared for this.

She is still so young, and a mother of 3 adorable children.

What can be more heart-wrenching than witnessing the sight of them crying by her bedside? Nobody can fully comprehend what they are going through, and I really feel for them.

How we wish we could do something to make her better, but humans are only entitled to limited abilities. It was that moment when I really wished hard that I was equipped with supernatural powers - so that I am able to take away her pain and transform her into her normal self again. 

Seriously.. No words can describe the helplessness and emotional pain that I felt while watching her suffer in pain every single second. It was painful to watch, really painful... ...

As I slowly made my way to her bedside, I was speechless. I knew I had to say something... I knew I had so much to tell her... 

But... ...

I was just dumbfounded. 

It was as though I had became mute at that very instant. All I could do was to touch her hand (her hand was still warm to the touch) and hold back my tears. I couldn't speak.

 At all.

I had promised myself not to look back at the old messages on Facebook we used to share.

The conversations, the posts and her status updates...

But I found myself clicking on them involuntarily.

(You know there are times when you tell yourself NOT to do something but yet still did it?)

It was that moment when I finally went weak and broke down in tears.

If only... ..
I had the chance to communicate with her more.
If only... ..
I had the chance to see her well again once more.
IF ONLY.

If onlys are nothing but just regrets.

I really wish the best for you, my dearest cousin. Watching you suffer was one of the most cruel emotional tortures I have ever experienced in my life.
Although all your family, friends and relatives would feel so much pain losing you - but we know this is the only best choice. We had kept our hopes high (and me always praying for miracles), but witnessing your sufferings made us seem selfish to keep you with us. It would only prolong your pain - both physically and mentally.
We may be feeling the pain - but its nothing compared to yours.
No matter what it is... Nothing can change the fact that you were a strong lady who never failed to look on the brighter side of life. Your optimism and strong willpower had already kept you going further than expected.
You were- and always will be loved by many.

My dearest cousin...
After the long and tiring battle, you do deserve a good rest now.

Soon...
You will be free.